Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock

Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?

GF: really?

Me: yeah

George Foreman: that’s interesting

the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet

If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.

[ first date ]

her: i like a man who plans financially for the future

me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later

If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers

Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”

Roses are red, you always mattered,

i just really want crab legs

..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me

We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.

Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”

The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.

#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill

My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.

[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album

WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.

Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago

Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself

If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist

Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks

Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.

A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.

Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.

HER: Boxers or briefs?

ME: Depends

HER: Really? But you look so young.

[Waiting at the dentist]

*leans over to stranger*

I’ll clean your teeth for half price.

that wasn’t the question

My lawyer dropped his briefcase and nunchuks fell out

Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.

Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.

Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?

Jesus: *In disguise* sure

JW: He’s lame

J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal

I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter

I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.