Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
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My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*a solitary gunshot*
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
M: I wish I was a baller
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
I love commercials that treat me like an absolute moron
“tired of going to the bathroom?”
“do you need more birds in your life?”
“who left this yoo-hoo here?”
“fed up with regular air?”
“this product costs money”
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.