Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[1st date]

me: are you cold?

date: *shivering* a little

me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks

I’ll eat when I’m dead

– zombies

My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.

I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.

Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.

Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.

wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?

*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*

Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!

My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.

abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails

if someone has a question, I do not want to know

netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever

If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense

I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here

me: sorry if I’m bothering you

surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that

I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you

17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute

There were shockingly few machete murders at tennis camp.

I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.

ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t

Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.

me: i wish i could go live in the woods

my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours

Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.

THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood

THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…

THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing

Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway

I hope this email finds you in the paradise city where the grass is green and the girls are pretty.

When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”

My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.

But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡

that’s it, I’m firing that gardener

Wife is out of town, so I’ve got the whole bed to myself. Time to sprawl out like a starfish and enjoy every inch*

*I slept in my usual two-foot sliver