How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
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Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
WTF IS THAT!
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.