[picking name for new puppy]

13: Pixie.

16: Rosie.

Wife: Annie.


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My trainer said with enough sacrificing I could get a 6-pack. He’s full of shit & I have 4 dead goats & 17 decapitated chickens to prove it.


Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.


Me: I’ve had a breakdown.

Tow truck company: Where’s your car?

Me: Car?


Whoever lost a bundle of $20 bills tied up in a rubber band..I found the rubber band..


“Smoking breaks” at work should be deducted from annually leave. We all have addictions, you don’t see me leave a meeting to fry plantain


Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.


Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.


alien: take us to your leader
me: hold on I’ll go get him
[a few minutes later]
alien: you gotta be kidding me
me: *wearing a mustache* hello