My trainer said with enough sacrificing I could get a 6-pack. He’s full of shit & I have 4 dead goats & 17 decapitated chickens to prove it.
[picking name for new puppy]
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I grew up for this?
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Whoever lost a bundle of $20 bills tied up in a rubber band..I found the rubber band..
“Smoking breaks” at work should be deducted from annually leave. We all have addictions, you don’t see me leave a meeting to fry plantain
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
alien: take us to your leader
me: hold on I’ll go get him
[a few minutes later]
alien: you gotta be kidding me
me: *wearing a mustache* hello