@kcmoore51

[picking name for new puppy]

13: Pixie.

16: Rosie.

Wife: Annie.

Me: BATMAN!

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@SamuelHLowe

My trainer said with enough sacrificing I could get a 6-pack. He’s full of shit & I have 4 dead goats & 17 decapitated chickens to prove it.

@NoogsCorner

Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.

@geowizzacist

Me: I’ve had a breakdown.

Tow truck company: Where’s your car?

Me: Car?

@BavlyOlwy

Whoever lost a bundle of $20 bills tied up in a rubber band..I found the rubber band..

@ProfessorKumi

“Smoking breaks” at work should be deducted from annually leave. We all have addictions, you don’t see me leave a meeting to fry plantain

@Lisabug74

Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.

@ilovepie84

Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.

@ohen39

alien: take us to your leader
me: hold on I’ll go get him
[a few minutes later]
alien: you gotta be kidding me
me: *wearing a mustache* hello