[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
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I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
g
a
r
d
e
n
e
r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.