[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
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i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
Me when I hear gossip
you can lead a squid to water but you can’t make it ink
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
WHAT????? IS HAPPENING WITH THESE NEW SPAM BOTS
