[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
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Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
welcome back
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
Happy 14th Anniversary to skipping school to go see MacGruber & the lady asking us to see ID and then saying “nevermind, anyone who’s under 17 would be in high school right now and who would skip school to go see MacGruber??” We laughed along with her and walked right in.
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
Shout out to the racoon or drunk person messing with my trashcans right now. Thank you for laughs, making me feel more sober than I am, and making me double check my doors are locked.
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.