[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
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Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
Note to self: I am a note
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
how long have you had this for?
We got our carpet cleaned today, so I’m just waiting for the dog to throw up
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
{4 way stop}
Aliens: *radioing home base* We really need to give up on this planet
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
