[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
You Might Also Like
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
Education is vital
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
Excuse me but would you sign my petition to ban asking people to sign petitions?
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”