Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today

[home depot]

ME: do you have marble counters?

CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9

ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000

*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance

Her: What’s that account pin again?

Me: 051598

Her: Our wedding anniversary?

Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.

Her:

Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)

That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.

My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?

My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.

I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong

“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”

the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing

My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.

“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”

“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”

I asked my students today if they had heard Maggie Smith passed away, completely forgetting I had a student named Maggie Smith, who happened to be absent

[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?

“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?

[Wizard Starbucks]

Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron

Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!

I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy

It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.

Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.

…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt

Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart

Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.

I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.

teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?

me: at checkers!

teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?

me: we went camping!

teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?

me: yeah, that one I did

When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.

Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6

dream blunt rotation

Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.

i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword

There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.

Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.

Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.