Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]

her: *glares*

me: you’re late

Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?

Lemming: Just trust me, ok?

We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.

Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.

Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok

He hands me the remote and goes to bed

And that’s how it’s done

Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.

So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.

Still not sure why you would need this though.

The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see

Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…

Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.

Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?

ROFLMFAO!

JK! Lolz

Ttyl KK

Ur BFF,

Hannibal

~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages

You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.

I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.

Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours

My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?

Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.

Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.

Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes

Mother: We named you after my father

Me: Yeah, I understand how time works

Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out

ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.

INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.

what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion

Twitter,

I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.

Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”

that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.

If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.

Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣

Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:

One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.

Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?

Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”

Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”

Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”