*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
You Might Also Like
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
I’m hosting an antisocial potluck,
Feel free to drop off your food and go
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
This global outage sounds like I’m finally getting the y2k bug I was promised as a child
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
My suitcase was 1 pound overweight at bag check so i smiled sweetly at the ticket agent to get away with it… Yall that man said “idk what you doing that for… i got all my teeth too” 😂😂😂
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing