Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.

The vampire myth probably started with a really bad hickey

is this store having a stroke wtf

Yup….perfect score!

“What are you doing here?”

I just got fired from the circus

“Oh my”

Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond

Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.

Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.

Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.

Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.

Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great

Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos

Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!

Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?

Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.

pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)

1) An act of spinning on one foot

2) A tiny gay pirate

My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.

I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.

JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa

Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.

My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.

*gives them a cookie when they come in*

My dogs are so stupid.

Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.

A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.

Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.

One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police

DOG 911: What’s your emer-

DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE

DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?

DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.

The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.

Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.

A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.

Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.

You can pirate a romance film but you can’t romance a pirate film. I ruined my copy of Hook that way.

[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]

“What are you supposed to be?”

ME: I’m not wearing a costume