*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
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*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
That stupid look on my face, is my face
Overindulged this afternoon.
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
Born to be mild.
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds