@dragonsorbet

[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst

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@lawyerthoughts

Just when I think I’m 100% against the death penalty, I see a bright yellow hummer taking up two parking spots.

@BlindVigil

I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…

@GabbbarSingh

If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.

@liv_thatsme

Rice cakes have only 50 calories. But packing peanuts have 0 calories & they taste exactly the same.

@MiddleageM

Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…

@Marcmywords2

There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.

@aotakeo

wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it

me: I searched the whole casino

@SlabBaconBP

I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.

@StellaRtwot

I bet you the first person to invent puzzles was a woman that ripped up a picture of her husband.