[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
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A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.