Just when I think I’m 100% against the death penalty, I see a bright yellow hummer taking up two parking spots.
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
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I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
Rice cakes have only 50 calories. But packing peanuts have 0 calories & they taste exactly the same.
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
I bet you the first person to invent puzzles was a woman that ripped up a picture of her husband.