Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.

My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs

I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here

PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress

A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities

I gave a yelp review once.

In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.

If you encounter a bear in the woods, stay calm. ⁣⁣Identify yourself by making noise so the bear knows you are a human. We recommend using your voice. Waving and showing off your opposable thumb means nothing to the bear.

Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.

[first day as a psychiatrist]

PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices

ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking

Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!

Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear

Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?

i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad

Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*

Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.

My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.

Well-played, kid. Well-played.

“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets

when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn

Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly

What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.

Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.

This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.

If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.

don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings

My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.

Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?

due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”

Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat

[after divorce]

I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.

These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.

Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.

me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁

my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died

I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave