Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.

A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.

one of my colleagues is just one of my absolute favourite people. a patient brought us in homemade strawberry and cream cupcakes as an apology for being rude earlier, and my colleague just finished hers, licked her lips, dropped the paper in the bin and announced to the world ‘A F****N’ ENJOYED THAT, SORCHA. SOMEONE ANNOY HER AGAIN’

I love her

Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.

Spotted in the wild

her: isn’t my baby beautiful

me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…precious

her: you said all of that out loud

[Family of lizards]

Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings

Little lizard: ahem

Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance

2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:

1) escape the bathroom

2) open a beer

Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!

Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?

*calls restaurant*

Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?

Host: Of course it is sir

*hangs up*

Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣

[boarding a plane]

me: I’m nervous

steward: oh why?

me: *leans in for kiss*

Take caution while searching the annals of history.

The anals of history provide very different results.

Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’

My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.

Church: time to come back

Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK

Church: not you

“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event

This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.

When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver

Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board

Me: I have a PhD in mathematics

Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack

Me: *nodding* that makes two

Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.

Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.

My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story

My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.

“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.

clean window: [exists]

toddlers: what’s that taste like

I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.

I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.