picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
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Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: It’s a surprise
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
I’m going to quit the strongman competition. I put in my too weak notice
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in