Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way

I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.

*Relationship status*

Me: I’m heading off now.

Wife: Yayyy.

I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom

Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.

LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice

Him: You smell nice. What is that?

Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops

yes… yes…

You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees

With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.

BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.

PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?

Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.

Me: Okay.

Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?

Me: Quick

Me: *wearing a short-sleeved button down with mixed flowers and skulls*

Super old lady at the pharmacy: “You know it’s a SIN to make me covet my neighbor’s blouse!”

My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.

*uses Ouija board*

ＮＥＷ ＰＨＯＮＥ ＷＨＯ ＤＩＳ

Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
Marioooooo

Mushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad

“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom

“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.

Your perfume smells like a funeral parlor. What’s it called? In Loving Memory by Calvin Klein?

If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.

Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.

coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus

Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.

There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.

[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.

The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.

If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded

boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!

[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what

I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.