*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
You Might Also Like
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
do what now??
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.