@ThatsSarcasm

*Picking up my kid from school in 20 years* Me: Yo shawty leggo. Kid: Please no. Me: Stop hating YOLO. Kid: You’re embarrassing. Me: Swag.

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@DontTouchMyWine

Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.

@gabbazaba

it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy

@DrawingShadows

Going to a bar within walking distance of my house reduces the likelihood that I will wake up partially clothed behind a dumpster tomorrow.

@XplodingUnicorn

4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?

Me: Marriage is complicated.

4: Is it because you’re stupid?

@TheHatStore

king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils

*knights murmuring*

sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty

@dafloydsta

[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good

@Vice_Queen

Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.

@robfromonline

crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers

@Megatronic13

{job interview}

Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?

Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty

Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*