Picking up some anvils, tunnel paint, and dynamite balloons
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I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”