Picking up some anvils, tunnel paint, and dynamite balloons
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“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
huge if true: the moon
I thought you guys said carnival diet, not carnivore diet. I’ve been living off of corn dogs and elephant ears for the last 3 months and I feel like absolute shit.
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
Stop blaming others for your mistakes.
Study feng shui and blame the furniture
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.