Picking up some anvils, tunnel paint, and dynamite balloons
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Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
HR said no more nunchucks.
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
me: ah the house is so clean now
sun rays shining through the window: you sure about that?
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
WILLY WONKA: I’m thinking about succession planning. I can’t run this factory forever
LAWYER: Good! What do you have in mind?
WILLY WONKA: A sweepstakes
LAWYER:
WILLY WONKA: We’ll bring in 5 random children and absolutely traumatize the unworthy
LAWYER: …I have concerns
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.