Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My boss wants me to train some other employees so it’s pretty obvious he has no idea I am completely incompetent.

[driving] Goddamn pedestrians

[walking] Goddamn drivers

[both] Goddamn cyclists

Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian

Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.

Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers

Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??

Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER

My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.

Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?

3: I know what’s keeping me awake

Me: What?

3: The air

Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix

me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead

friend: it’s cool, we have a map

me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone

Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!

Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!

It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.

Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.

teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?

Edgar: *shrugs*

teacher: Poe, try

grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings

I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?

My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.

Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back

Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.

McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.

If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months

ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery

Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?

Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you

Cop ~ Get out

I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.

I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.

the saddest jazz hands ever

if i had an evangelical homie i’d be doing this all the time

Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.

My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off

If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.

5: I miss Mama’s food.

Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.

5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.

Me: oh.

5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.

I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.

every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday