Picking up women at the bar and then gently setting them down
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“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
‘Twas the day after Christmas and all through the house, not a creature was stirring- because food comas
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
*pouring wine over ice cream*
No, I had a great day. Why do you ask?
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.