Pickled cat.
You Might Also Like
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
WHO DID THIS?
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
Kids today will never understand how many ninjas there were in the 1980s.
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
My age is news to me every single time I remember
Triceratops seeks Tricerabottom
-Jurassic period Grindr
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
checking out some reviews of my local library
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.