Pickled cat.
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I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
The best plant holders?
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.