Pickpocketed in London by a quite old man. Saw him whip my purse out of the side pocket of my bag. Was a nice purse I bought in Paris but swings and roundabouts – I use it to store my emergency travel tampons.
Have fun, tea leaf granda! Hope you only have a light to medium flow x
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
Cop lights are so pretty at night
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
