Pickpocketed in London by a quite old man. Saw him whip my purse out of the side pocket of my bag. Was a nice purse I bought in Paris but swings and roundabouts – I use it to store my emergency travel tampons.
Have fun, tea leaf granda! Hope you only have a light to medium flow x
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
WHY would you be happy about this?
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
“Strap in ladies, it’s going to be a bumpy ride,” I say as I put on my extra supportive sports bra before my workout.
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
The best shot in the history of golf
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
