Pickpocketed in London by a quite old man. Saw him whip my purse out of the side pocket of my bag. Was a nice purse I bought in Paris but swings and roundabouts – I use it to store my emergency travel tampons.
Have fun, tea leaf granda! Hope you only have a light to medium flow x![]()
You Might Also Like
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
![]()
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
Very good! 👍😂
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
I love the honesty
![]()
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping