*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
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It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
My local zoo has installed signs throughout the grounds with my photo that say, “Do Not Feed The Animals Or This Guy.”
Your honor, my client wasn’t trying to stab the victim. He was checking to see if he was cake
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
At my funeral please take that bouquet of flowers off my coffin and throw it to the crowd to see who’s next
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
I just sneezed my wife awake from a nap so any discussion about renewing vows is on hold for a bit.
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
8: but grandma let me
Me: well my mom is cooler than yours
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.