*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
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My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
THE AUDACITY. 😤
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*