*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
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[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
Happens to everyone.
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
[bedtime]
daughter: dad, i’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while i’m sleeping
me: don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first
daughter: …
me: night, sweetheart
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.