*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
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We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
If you pull this stunt in front of me at security stg I’ll call the cops
If this doughnut and ice cream are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 2001-2003?
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
Watching the lawn mowing guy on YouTube. Always pushing the products. He’s actually got this stupid t-shirt that says “I’m sexy and I mow it.”
Mine should be here in a few days.
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles