Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.

ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know

I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.

Sexy Time:

*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*

My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me

I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.

And not ONE ab to show for it.

I’m cryingdjdjdhj and she was serious too 😭😭😭

Bartenders be like ” heres that receipt, i’ll go ahead and put it on the wettest part of the bar”

I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”

“so i had the dream again last night,”

priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin

Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.

my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever

me:

My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.

Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders

If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?

I forgot my glasses at home so for my next trick I shall attempt this work report blindfolded!

Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…

Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5

One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.

My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.

If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.

-Everyone at my job.

wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?

I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.

The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid

My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.

If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.

I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.

daughter: do I have to brush?

me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?

daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.

i’ve found my new favorite subculture