Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
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This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
Tuesday
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
me: can you turn into this mcdonald’s
my uber, bumblebee: i can only do robot
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.