Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
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Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
Look at this
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.