Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
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Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there