*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
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I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
any last words?
Tell me why I had to find out via HGTV house hunters that my OBGYN is searching for a house in Florida bc SHES MOVING???
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
Every work call, he judges.
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
Scientists are so cheap they will literally split the atom
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.