*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
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It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don’t work
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
Ikea is like the Hotel California of furniture stores
Just as the prophecy foretold
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids