*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
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Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
Saw online –
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
One building was torn down by a wrecking ball, another building was bulldozed. They were razed differently.
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
Who called it med school and not the I.V. League
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 32nd time.
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
Me: Can you do MyFitnessPal with me?
Husband: *immediately loses 8lbs*
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
should i airdrop this to the person in the voting booth next to me
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
millennials had years of computer classes where it was drilled into us “THE INTERNET IS FOREVER” and “DON’T OPEN SPAM EMAILS” and “CITE YOUR SOURCES” and then boomers were given internet access like tossing keys to a drunk and telling them to have fun.
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP