[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
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There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
A Lunar Eclipse that Flat-Earthers have never seen.
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
My grandad fought Germans on the beaches of Normandy. This was last summer and it was very embarrassing.
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools