Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.

Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.

My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”

AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers

TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade

me: what do you know about atoms?

friend: very little

me: besides that

When my wife says “Guess what today is.”

A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.

Maybe I should move.

My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.

Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅

Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.

“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013

Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: pass

Officer: have you been drinking?

Me: pass

Officer: You can’t just keep..

Me: pass

My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂

I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman

Mhm.

The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.

What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.

You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.

I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time

At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids

I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.

I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.

My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.

He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.

I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions

Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands

ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.

CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?

ME: When I look up.

When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.

When Corner House says something righteous and you just think

Farmer: These two chickens share a nest

No one:

Me: Would you call that cooperation?

ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…

SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.