[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
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*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror this morning, so I guess once again my personality will be doing all the work today
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .