*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
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Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
No one:
London landlords:
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
Many serial killers are good people, deep down. They just have a hard time not methodically killing a number of people over an extended period
The worst part about getting sucked up by the tornado you’re filming is to die knowing your wife was right. You are an idiot.
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*