Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They say treat others how you would like to be treated.

Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.

My head is starting to get dented from hitting rock bottom so often.

General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.

Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.

my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.

Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain

4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]

guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you

4 dentists: [in agreement] no

My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.

Got complimented on my ebike by a guy in Minute Man Oil truck; he said he’s gonna get one so yeah, you could say I’m making headway with Big Oil.

Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.

Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone

I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.

I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.

Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.

Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house

Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!

J: Not Guilty!

AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.

If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.

I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.

My wife left me for my best friend.

Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.

My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.

If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.

The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:

There are only certain men who can pull off a mustache. The ones with removable mustaches.

My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.

the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside

A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.

Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…

I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.

“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”

~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership

[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”

Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.