*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
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I decided not to go for a run today because of the weather but mostly because of the running.
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
[job interview]
My greatest weaknesses are I’m terrible with money and a compulsive liar
The government: You’re hired
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
You got this…
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
