Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
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how much my patient talks about their single daughter
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I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.

The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.

I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.

Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?

– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.

DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened

Smallpox sounds so adorable

Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!

If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now

cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*

Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?

“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”

She knows her part so well!

I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.

The Eggorcist

WIFE: *on our wedding night* Don’t you think today was just perfect?

ME: [remembering how I wanted a Flintstones themed wedding but was told no] I yabba dabba do not Sharon, tbh.

Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.

Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.

I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now

If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.

My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…

I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”

Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.

wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”

[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep

I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.

[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]

scientist 1: well?

scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything

s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please

We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.

kid: *sniffle*

me: need a tissue?

kid: no

kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*

A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.

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