[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
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Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
What
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
Get off my horse you stupid moon
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
Who.
Did.
This?
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
Too easy.
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?