Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!

How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.

going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people

passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?

jackfruit: oh nothing

Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?

imagine playing truth or dare and they dare you to go home

My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.

A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.

[at checkout counter]

Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no

Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.

me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape

kidnapper: 😳

I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose

I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”

Me: My first wife loved this movie.

Wife: I AM your first wife!

Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?

me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now

Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.

Interviewed a Canadian.

She has a Canadian accent & boobs.

She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.

She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.

*Unexpected item in the bagging area*

Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?

Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet

Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest

If you’re hungry, you can say “I’d kill for a doughnut,” and it’s fine. But any other crime sounds suspicious.

“I’d commit insider trading for a cruller right now.”

“Oh man, I’d totally burn down a warehouse for a bear claw.”

“Give me a jelly filled or I’ll shiv you.”

In my 20’s: I want to find true love.

In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.

I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White

Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend

Me: That’s a raccoon

Son:

Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you

SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU

*shakes buy one get one free coupon*

There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.

So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know

Wife: Why is the dog limping?

Me: *uncomfortable pause*

Wife: Well?

Me: Uncomfortable paws?

[at the cheesecake factory]

me: I will have the cheesecake

waiter: okay

Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.

Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.