Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.

A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.

Hate when the person sitting next to me on the subway notices me shamelessly reading their texts and starts tilting it out of my view like c’mon lemme have a lil read it’s just me c’mon who am I gonna tell it’s only me

Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD

that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala

How and why my FUR ROOM exists

When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.

“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively

I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.

My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)

Me: are you mad at me?

This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:

Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.

Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.

Some Things Never Change 😀

#archaeohistories

Therapist: How does that make you feel?

Me: Like I want to stab someone.

Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.

Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.

Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero

Me: *out of breath and curled up in the fetal position on the treadmill*

Personal trainer: “I say this to you both literally and figuratively, this isn’t working out.”

Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…

My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.

He seems nice.

What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?

Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️

*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*

Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement

Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’

I grow mine one time and…

I’m rubber. You’re glue.

I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.

Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!

i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf

We like the way Dwight thinks

You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.

This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.