Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.

I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces

thinking about my old neighbor that named their WiFi “your arms too short to box with god” and my other neighbor that named their WiFi “super long god boxing arms”

[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around

[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second

old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’

guess i’m a roast carrot now

They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back

Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*

[5 months later]

Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”

Me: *unsubscribes*

[9 months later]

Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”

ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.

THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.

I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.

Puts myself out there

Puts myself back bc wtfff

Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.

I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.

I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.

“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.

Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year

You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.

[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”

[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*

At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.

My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.

[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]

Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there

cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes

boxer: but there’s SO many eyes

mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*

[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real

[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…

[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem

Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent

Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.

People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.

Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?

My beach vacation Google searches

Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?

Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.