*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
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Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
Close call…
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”