Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.

My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.

if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base

Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.

My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?

If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.

Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.

All dates are ‘blind dates.’

The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.

If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.

Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away

Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.

Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.

Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.

FRIEND: wanna come over?

ME: what’s your dog up to?

FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-

ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER

Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”

I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.

My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.

Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”

me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape

kidnapper: 😳

[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one

I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.

I hate when people I know visit my city w/o asking me what to do. What do you mean you’re going to The Coughing Museum?

Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.

sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”

{phone call}

MRS. TURTLE: Hello?

MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours

MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close

MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away

Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient

Accidentally followed a psychiatric account. Oh well… now I’m committed.

I had a medical student join me on NICU recently and they asked me if they’d be able to take any patient histories.

I mean if they’d have managed to take any histories from any of the nicu babies I would have been seriously impressed.

Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.