[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
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Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
me in my 20s with my 60 year old back pain
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
Have kids so you can live in a house full of people who can’t find anything.
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?