[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
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The girl I’m babysitting doesn’t know that for tonight I’m allowed to let her watch as many Bluey episodes as she wants so she keeps asking for “one more.” And I get to be a benevolent god who gives her another. It’s a real thrill for both of us.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
I’ve laughed so hard 😭😭
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit