Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *buys a blue chair online*

Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs

I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides

Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.

Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.

Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM

9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*

Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?

Him: A scientist?

Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?

Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date

ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say

Waiter: Dessert’s on me.

Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?

Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.

Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.

(home depot)

frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower

A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’

Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”

In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder

There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.

Delicious meat.

Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat

(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground

I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.

4: What does antique mean?

Me: It means old-

4: Oh…like you?

If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.

“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”

WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?

ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best

W: How long until they go to bed?

ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds

Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.

{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.

ME: Yes.

APPRAISER:

ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.

I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”

Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.

Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.

You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.

Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.