Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m totally onboard with the public outrage. I’ll be watching the Olympic women’s beach volleyball solely to point out hidden satanic messages.

I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.

[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*

My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.

I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.

Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!

This 4th of July, please remember…

The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.

In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.

[at movie theatre]

Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it

[Conditioning my hair in the shower]

Me: *rings bell*

My hair: *salivates*

Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.

Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?

KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week

Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”

Person: “Converse.”

Me: “We’re already talking.”

‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.

Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy

Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.

I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.

Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore

Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.

something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean

There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.

Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice

“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”

I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.

You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.

My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.

Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.

Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better

Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough

Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.

Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.