Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.

If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you

*Puts on angry eyebrows*

I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.

Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.

My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call

So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL

Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.

4 yo: “Miss Katie, when you were a baby did your parents die and leave you alone?”

My friend: “Sorry, they watched Annie yesterday.”

whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.

[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat

It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.

A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.

ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?

ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa

Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.

me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?

It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos

An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.

*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list

adds you to my “No” list*

“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”

Credit: AndrewBloch

Griddle me this!!

– Batman villain ordering breakfast.

I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely

My son – not this again

Cop –

“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”

“Sir, she came in with you!”

Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter

My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out

I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.

Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back

Me, at the back: rude

Got fired from Goldman Sachs for insisting that you can’t have a board meeting without charcuterie

[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”

[blind date]

HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic

ME: Vincent van…go on

I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.

100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.

Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.