Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
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Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
I get a bunch of targeted ads asking me to donate my sperm. and I’m down as long as they don’t use it for making babies.
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
telling myself i’m too self aware for therapy as i repeat a pattern of behavior i’ve been trying to break since age 14
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
3yo: I have counted my shoes. One, two.
Me: That’s right. For your two feet.
3yo: 😠 I want to have three feet.
Me: Buddy. Nobody has three feet.
3yo: YES THEY DO
Me: Where have you ever seen someone with three feet?
3yo, who has never been out of the country: IN 😤 ENGLAND 😤
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
doctor: do you drink alcohol?
me: yeah a couple times a week
doctor (pulling out a bottle of whiskey and two cups): ok amazing it’s been a really tough week actually
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
It’s the ORDER of mankind’s accomplishments that fascinate me. In 1969, we put men on the moon. In 1970, we put wheels on luggage.
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing