Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.

GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.

Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”

I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.

#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick

I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water

*holds boombox over my head outside your window

Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?

The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up

When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.

him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night

me: yeah they say most people do

him: but they’re usually asleep

me (crunching): semantics semantics

him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth

Muppet Screams

*Walks 500 miles

*Walks 500 more

*Is the guy who falls down at your door

*Knocks

*Gets no answer

*Realizes he should have called first

The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.

ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*

Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.

I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros

power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup

genie: what is your first wish

me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice

genie: [kermit the frog voice] why

dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom

[first time at church]

me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups

I don’t care how comfortable it looks, I’m not buying a chair called a Lovesac.

HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.

ATM: just any 4 numbers.

“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”

*nervous glance at dog

Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend

Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me

If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.

ME: i’m depressed

FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better

ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked

[2000]

Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice

If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.

If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.

My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up

my depression: I’m sad

my anxiety: but why now I’m worried

my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason

my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway