Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
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Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
been hearing a lot of friends say they’re planning on avoiding the internet tomorrow. not me! it’s gonna be christmas morning for hall of fame bad posts on here. we’re talking takes so bafflingly stupid we can’t even imagine. and i need them all beamed directly into my brain.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
every day my youngest daughter asks if i am here for the “silly billy look-a-like contest.” how much of this is a good man meant to take before he is radicalized
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”