Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
You Might Also Like
wtf is a larm clock?
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
Moving tip: don’t learn how to read
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a cowboy hat while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you might have been buzz lightyear.
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
If you don’t have a birth certificate YOU WEREN’T BORN 😠
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.