picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
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Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
Witnessing me making friendly small talk with a new mom at drop-off this morning, my son:
“Mommy why do you keep laughing at things that aren’t funny?”
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
people who separate your hahahas into ha ha ha, whats going on there