picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
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You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
Saturday
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.