picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
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“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
Someone 20yrs younger than me was flirting with me & asked for my phone number. I thanked him & said that’s a bit too Demi and Ashton for me, but it was very sweet of him.
Reader, he was too young to know who I was talking about.
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology