Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
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Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
Are you a robot? Select all images with weak points in humanity’s defenses.
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
What do you call a bunch of cucumbers in a row?
“Queuecumbers”.
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
The secret to being a private person is to overshare dumb shit so people think you are an open book but then not tell them any of the important details of your life.