Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
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My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
📽️movie date🎞️
They should let you spend one night in a house before you buy/rent it, just to make sure it’s haunted.
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
“I heard this story last time. Do you have anything new?”
-Me, as a therapist.
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
If you breakdance you buy dance.
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.