Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
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a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy