Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
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They should invent clothes that get fat with you
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
Just parrot things
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
Print is alive and well!!!
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
Finally! 😈