@QwertyJones3

Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.

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@SvnSxty

*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*

fava beans
a nice chianti
dave

@seancehat

[scene of wreck]

cop: do you want an ambulance

me: no I’ll probably just buy another car

@Jest_Iris

“I’m a night owl”

All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.

@RamblingMachine

My Mother asked me to suggest names for my brother’s prospective children. I said I’ll name the girl ‘Denise’ and the boy ‘Denephew’.

@EyesOfGreen73

PSA: If you have kids, do not label the box of your …ahem.. special items “Toys”. It’s very awkward to explain.

@Writepop

Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?

Her: Someone tall.

Me: I’m over six feet.

Her: Someone who likes to travel.

Me: I’ve been to Japan.

Her: Someone with a steady job.

Me: I’ve been working since 1954.

Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?

Me: What? No… *Eats a train*

@jazmasta

BREAKING: Olympic athlete stripped of medal after urine sample shows traces of rubber, which is a band substance

@Brianhopecomedy

My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.

@mstluvstrinkets

On our way to husbands vasectomy he asks *do you think they’ll want me to remove my socks?*. I don’t know what he thinks is about to happen.

@shawnspree

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Squiggly line squiggly line space

~me reading Arabic DM