Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
You Might Also Like
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
**SIGN IN WITH FACEBOOK**
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
shit, they caught us—run!!!
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no