Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
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I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
I trust my car navigation the same way I do the floor arrows in Ikea and If we end up in a lake… so be it
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
Tuesday
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.