picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
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Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
Couldn’t untangle my Christmas lights this year.
So I plugged them in and threw them out in the front yard. Christmas tumbleweed and done.
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.