Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
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Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
John Krasinski is People’s Sexiest Man Alive for 2024.
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
The news in a nutshell.
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
