Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.

In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.

“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me

Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.

What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?

Oh sheet.

Me: beware the clyde of march

Clyde: I’m standing right here

Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)

[putting on wedding dress]

me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake

maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that

My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*

Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!

Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*

Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*

*cancelling plans* ugh sorry i’d love to come but im actually uhhhh in the running for vice president

FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same

I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.

A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’

Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here

I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.

This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.

Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.

Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want

Canister ✅
Pail ✅
Pot ✅
Can ✅
Scuttle ✅

Just ticking off my bucket list.

What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE

Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.

Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5

[walking into a store on september 1st]

employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!

ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.

JOHN: Dad, we know.

OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.

GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.

I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.

*at funeral*

Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.

[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.