Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit

Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!

*holds boombox over my head outside your window

Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?

What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.

A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again

I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.

hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?

me: I guess me

hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you

me: that feels like even more reason to tell me

Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert

[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.

“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”

Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile

*runs away from it all*

*runs back*

*grabs phone charger*

*runs away from it all again*

KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u

[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]

ME: holy shit u saved me

OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die

🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵

“Wanna feel old..?”

No. Next question.

*Negative people trying to ruin my mood

*Me

“i am a sweet baby”

911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed

Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.

Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.

Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again

(Treehouse)

Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*

Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.

girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death

There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.

I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.

She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.

[3 guys corner me in an alley]

3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit

I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.

I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read

“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”

Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.

Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.

Over the fence to our neighbour:

‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’

4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?

Me:

4: Mom???

Me: What the f-

4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?

Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!