Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”

most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers

In the Target toy aisles-

“No, please put that back”

“I said we aren’t buying anything today”

“You already have dozens of Nerf guns at home!”

– and that’s just me to my husband

Toddlers are like puppies, they don’t care if they’re dirty and smelly and they both have an affinity exploring the trash bin.

Man reading a book: hot

Man with a baby: hot

Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.

waiter: do you have any allergies?

me: latex

waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat

me: airplanes

If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.

[Sherwood Forest]

LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me

ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…

LITTLE JOHN: Right

ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor

LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them

ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?

LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.

An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.

Me, to kid: “Don’t be scared; it’s only a movie. It’s not like it’s REAL!”

Also Me: watched Poltergeist as a kid and still have lifelong trust issues with trees, clown dolls, TV static, & walk-in closets.

[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad

Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.

Celebrated fall by going to the state fair and spending a mortgage payment on deep fried oreos and water.

ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.

WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.

ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.

Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.

I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.

*first day as a hair stylist

“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”

Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross

Spider: *very hungry* dammit

Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.

[after losing a rap battle]

me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts

People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”

[First day as homicide detective]

* approaching murder scene *

Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……

Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.

It was the becestershire of times, it was the worcestershire of times.

[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour

Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.

If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.

If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.

Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….

Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.

I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.