Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever

Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.

It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.

I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.

I bought a metal detector.

Beach better have my money.

A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty

ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral

“You CAN even.”

– white girl life coach

me: hey siri

siri: (long, deep sigh) what

*Types*

I have lumps on my head.

WebMD: Batman

my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked

Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out

If we’re not supposed to be snacking late at night why is there a light in the fridge

You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes

I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage

he’s doing your taxes

I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so

Pigeon open mic night.

i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.

911: what’s your emergency

Me: I can’t find my lizard

911: do you have any details

Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it

Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance

One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.

Netflix: Are you still watching?

Blockbuster: 😭 yes

Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.

if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision

I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”

I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.

Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”

[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING

Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.