Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.

me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it

google: we’re doing this again?

[training to be a meat cutter]

butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes

me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]

I came, I saw, I got allergies

~ Julius Sneezer

i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day

Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.

Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.

Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.

Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?

Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.

For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.

*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*

We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.

In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy

Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.

Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap

Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …

most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers

Forget first names. We should just name storms after specific people. If you told me “Jane Ellen Green” (my former trigonometry teacher in high school) was headed my way, I’d be terrified & take immediate cover

[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.

Netflix: Should I play this movie?

Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second

Netflix: I’ll put it on

Me: I’m just literally reading what it is

Netflix: It’s playing 🙂

Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.

90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.

*power walks to the refrigerator*

me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?

me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.

I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.

I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?

Me: Good night Moon

Moon:

Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!

OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??

Someone in their late 20s giving advice to someone in their early 20s is exactly like when a toddler is obsessed with a newborn

I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.