Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
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Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
If hiding things in the trash from my kids were an Olympic sport, I’d be a disgrace to my country.
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
You can’t get a good night’s sleep anymore because of woke
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
Mountain Goat : )
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
Was bored so Applied for a dentist job at some clinic. I have an interview this week😭
I HAVE NEVER BEEN TO MED SCHOOL😭
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
Saturday
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!