Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[wedding reception]

DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE

Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?

IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING

[bedtime]

SON: I want a monster story.

ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”

I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.

38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out

happy to report that “what time is it/time for you to get a watch” is still being used by the youths

New parent: our kids are only going to eat healthy food

That same parent, 3 kids later: it’s ok to have cookies for breakfast

My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.

Isn’t that precious?

No. He’s 20.

grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings

“You should only have to tell them once”

– People with no children

superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts

me: this is relatable as hell

[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*

I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.

Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME

And I laughed so hard I cried

So yeah! I’m great at dating

Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father

honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time

I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.

I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster

I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.

When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.

Me: ahahah say it again

The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers

Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot

The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:

Me: HAMBORGER LMAO

Anyone: You go girl!

Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*

one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked

I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.

*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?

I toured a defense contractor executive’s home

*Becomes a black hole*

*Only absorbs corndogs*

gandalf:

jesus:

gandalf:

jesus: lol, I just realized after I died and came back people started saying I was white too

gandalf: we don—we don’t have to bond over stuff

I tell the kids that if they ever get lost to just find an Amazon truck and follow it because there’s a pretty good chance it’s coming to our house.

*snowstorm rolls through*

*work closes*

Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”

*daycare closes*

Me: “I wish I was dead.”

*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM*

*Husband runs into bedroom*

H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?

Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.