Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
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The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
why am I working on Labor Day
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?